Are you trying to "calm things down" and they keep escalating toward divorce disaster anyway?
Your actions and words are killing you chances of staying married. Follow this simple plan if you want to pull your spouse out of "Divorce Mode" and save your marriage and family.
Here are some simple things you can do to bring your marriage back from the brink of disaster.
· Soothe things. But not with words-with silence. Just try to let everything calm down. If things are so heated that your spouse is screaming divorce a cooling-off period can't be bad.
You can do this-Just shut up and no matter what-DO NOT ESCALATE!
Stop letting the actions and words of your angry spouse dictate your behavior. When you plan and choose your actions you have some control. When you react to others no one is in control.
REMEMBER, Action=success. Reaction=Divorce. Control your behavior to take control of your life and save your marriage.
Here are some quick tips to calm things down and give you some time to put things back together:
1. If you have been fighting in front of the kids it has to stop now. You simply do not have the right to do it to them. And it's very harmful to them mentally and emotionally. Please stop it immediately.
2. Do not argue or belittle one another in front of others. Perception matters. Your union must seem strong to be strong.
3. Do not tolerate others speaking ill of your spouse. You must conduct yourself honorably.
4. Continue to be courteous and helpful around the house-even if you are not speaking to one another. The kids still need things and your home requires daily maintenance to be comfortable. If things are home are in shambles nobody will want to be there.
5. Be civil and polite. It shows strength. Human beings are naturally drawn to people that can be strong in the face of huge problems-Be that person.
OK. Now for some strategy. Be warned-some of this may seem unfair. The thing you have to ask yourself is-If I use my spouses normal psychological hot buttons to stop my divorce-have I done the right thing?
· Stop reassuring him/her. He or she obviously feel comfortable enough to ask you for a divorce. So how much reassurance do you think they need? Every step builds on the last so...· Make sure you implement the 5 tips above. If you can't control yourself none of this has a snowballs chance in hell.
Now continue to be civil and helpful but..
· Let them come to you. If you have even followed 1/2 of my advice things have calmed down quite a bit. So hopefully the lines of communication are starting to open up. You may be tempted to try to change his/her mind about the divorce. Sit tight-We have a plan.
· This is going to be hard but... You have got to give the impression that you are OK. This is especially important for men but works for women too. Most people are not turned on by, or attracted to, weakness. Try not to show any right now.
· Don't give affection-Return it. The idea is to reward good behavior. If your spouse shows you affection it is fine to return it. But don't go out of your way to kiss booty-it makes you seem needy.The Idea is to negotiate from strength to increase your partners perception of your value. Nobody wants to divorce someone who is more valuable as a person than they are. Simple human nature
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